Hold on to Love Read online

  HOLD ON TO LOVE

  A novel by

  Roberta Capizzi

  Copyright 2014 Roberta Capizzi

  All rights reserved.

  Smashwords Edition

  This book is also available in print.

  Cover art © by Najla Qamber Designs. All rights reserved

  Models: Courtney Boyett and Willis Totten

  Discover other titles by Roberta Capizzi at Smashwords.com or click here to read the blurbs.

  All characters and events in this publication, other than those clearly in the public domain, are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold

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  of this author.

  Table of Contents

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-one

  Chapter Thirty-two

  Chapter Thirty-three

  Chapter Thirty-four

  Chapter Thirty-five

  Chapter Thirty-six

  Chapter Thirty-seven

  Chapter Thirty-eight

  Chapter Thirty-nine

  Chapter Forty

  Chapter Forty-one

  Chapter Forty-two

  Chapter Forty-three

  Chapter Forty-four

  Chapter Forty-five

  Chapter Forty-six

  Chapter Forty-seven

  Chapter Forty-eight

  Chapter Forty-nine

  Chapter Fifty

  Chapter Fifty-one

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Chapter One

  August

  Alyssa slammed the door behind her and rushed to the bathroom. She held onto the sink and spat, hoping the awful taste of expensive wine would leave her mouth. Tears prickled her eyes as she looked at herself in the mirror above the sink; once again doing what her mother had asked, or rather, ordered her to do had added another awful experience to her never-ending list. She wondered how long her mother expected her to obey orders like a child who didn’t know how to make her own decisions.

  Her right hand still tingled from its connection with his smug cheek, and she could still feel her stomach quivering from when his hand had grabbed her breast.

  She closed her eyes and shook her head, willing the images away. She spat once again, then opened the tap and brushed her teeth twice, since the mint-flavored toothpaste hadn’t seemed to wash away his awful taste the first time—the taste of wine and of him.

  Dinner was threatening to come all the way back up from her stomach and tears stung her eyes, begging to spill out.

  She would not cry.

  Tomorrow she’d speak to her mother, tell her what a slimy individual Julian was, and hopefully Alyssa would be able to leave this whole business behind her. She refused to stare at herself in the mirror while she removed the makeup from her face, afraid she would hate the reflection staring back at her: the person she had become just to please her mother.

  She tossed the wipe-tissue in the bin, switched the light off, and strode into her bedroom. In a fit of rage she tore off her shirt, making the buttons pop and scatter on the floor, and tossed it together with her pants across the room, letting out a scream.

  As she plopped down on her bed and pulled the duvet up to her chin, she wondered if her life would ever be truly hers or if she’d always be her mother’s puppet, born to please Judge O’Riordan.

  She switched the lamp on the nightstand off and waited for troubled slumber to sweep over her.

  ***

  When she woke up in the morning, and switched on her phone, she found five text messages—all from Julian. There were a couple of messages in her voicemail too, and she could guess whom they were from without listening to them. Nevertheless, she gave it the benefit of the doubt and pressed the code; as soon as she heard the voice, she pressed delete without bothering listening any further. The second message, to her surprise—or maybe not?—was from her mother.

  “I know you went out with Julian last night. I’m sure you had a great time with him; he is quite a charmer. Let me know if you want to meet for lunch sometime this week. I’m looking forward to hearing all about your date.”

  Very formal, just as usual. No I love you or anything of the sort—anything motherly. Once again, just like she had since she’d started understanding things, Alyssa wondered why her mother had even bothered having children. It wasn’t as if she’d gotten pregnant by mistake; Alyssa’s parents had been married for four years before Alyssa was born, and four years later they had Derek. But if she’d always been so career-oriented and devoid of any motherly instincts, why did she decide to become a mother not once but twice?

  She shook the thoughts away, not wanting to start the day thinking about how awful her childhood had been in spite of all the nice things she’d had. She was an independent woman now, with a good career and a nice apartment her mother had had no say in. Alyssa was happy that she had finally managed to have something she could call her own, something that didn’t come from her parents’ money. At twenty-six she had finally managed to pull away a little from her mother and her rules.

  Or that had been what she’d thought, up until her mother had organized her date with Julian. Alyssa’s stomach turned upside-down at the memory of the previous night and she kicked off the blankets. A shower would help her clear her mind and start a new day.

  ***

  When she reached her office, she was set on avoiding her colleagues; half the women in the legal office would give their right arm to spend some intimate time with Julian, and if only they knew she’d been out with him and hadn’t ended up in his bed, they would think she’d gone crazy. The last thing Alyssa wanted was to talk about the most awful date of her life, especially with people who were little more than strangers to her.

  She stepped out of the elevator on the fifteenth floor of the luxurious building where her office was located, and looked furtively left and right, as if expecting to be ambushed. When she saw nobody was around, she took big strides toward her office but she’d barely reached the door when she heard her name being called. She froze and took a deep breath, put on her best poker face, and spun back. Sandra, the secretary to one of the two associates, was standing a few feet down the corridor, beckoning at her.

  “Mr. Jackson would like to see you. Can you come in?”

  Alyssa nodded, and inconspicuously let out a sigh of relie
f. Luckily Sandra didn’t seem to know anything about last night. For just a moment, Alyssa had been scared her colleague Denise, who’d heard about her date with Julian from Alyssa’s mother, had told everyone, and she’d be the talk of the town today.

  Sandra smiled at her as Alyssa reached Mr. Jackson’s office and opened the door, announcing Alyssa’s arrival, and closing it right behind her. Mr. Jackson was sitting at his desk in his usual dark-gray attire and with his neatly-combed gray hair, and he smiled as he looked up from the stack of papers in front of him.

  “Brian called in sick, so I need you to take his place in the Mason trial today,” he said in a very professional tone. “I know you’ve been assisting him with the paperwork, so you’re already up-to-date with the case. Is this okay with you?”

  Alyssa nodded, trying not to look too happy about it. She couldn’t let him know that being away from the office today was the perfect way to avoid Denise and any possible questions about the previous night.

  She left Mr. Jackson’s office after he was finished instructing her and she gingerly walked back toward her own office to pick up a couple of things she may need, including her iPad, which she never brought home to avoid ending up working at night or over the weekend. All through her childhood and teenage years she’d witnessed her mother’s attachment to her job, especially after she became a judge; she definitely didn’t want to end up like her.

  Denise was nowhere to be seen so she managed to sneak in and out of her office without anyone noticing. A minute later she was in the elevator.

  Chapter Two

  Her blood froze when she walked into the Federal Court of Justice and saw the person at the opponent’s desk. Seriously, what were the odds?

  As if feeling her eyes on him, Julian turned back, and flashed her his trademark smile, the one that made all women swoon—except Alyssa. He adjusted his expensive tie and ran a hand to the side of his head to adjust his sleek dark hair. The man was so full of himself it made her sick to her stomach.

  Julian waited for her to approach the bar, and with every step she felt her heart sink a little deeper. Her hands were shaking but it wasn’t because she was nervous; she was trying to restrain herself from punching him, hard, and telling him exactly what she thought of him.

  “Alyssa, what a surprise. I was expecting your colleague, but it seems like you couldn’t wait to see me again,” he said in his flirtatious tone, the one he used with most women. The man really had no shame, and Alyssa felt a knot of disgust form in her stomach.

  “Brian’s sick; I’m here to replace him. If I’d known you were on the opponent’s side, I would’ve called in sick, too.”

  Pleased with her remark, she spun on her heels but before she could walk away toward her own desk and client, Julian grabbed her wrist. She flinched at this touch.

  “How about we go for a coffee after the trial? I’d be happy to buy you breakfast to celebrate my victory.”

  Absolutely. No. Shame.

  Alyssa freed her wrist from his octopus grip, and glared at him. “Your victory? Your confidence is a little cheesy, Attorney Davidson. And in case I hadn’t made it clear enough last night, I’m not interested in spending time with you outside a court.”

  Julian gave a light chuckle, a rather irritating one; Alyssa had to remind herself she was in a court surrounded by other people, and she couldn’t start screaming at him or hitting him the way she wanted.

  “I’d say that was only a minor glitch. I’m sure you’ll come around soon and realize I’m a great catch.”

  He flashed her that awful twenty-thousand-dollar smile and, just like she had the previous night, she wondered whether he regularly went to have his teeth whitened or if those were his real teeth at all. The thought made her feel queasy.

  “There’s quite a queue of women waiting to go out with me; you should feel honored I chose you.”

  “Well, then I guess you should start going out with those women dying to spend time with you, and stop wasting time over me.”

  He sneered. “You’ll come back to me, Alyssa; they all do. I’m a patient man but then again, I’m only human, so maybe when you crawl back I won’t be available. You’d better take your chance now, while I’m still free.”

  Alyssa felt like throwing up. She could actually feel the latte she’d had on her way to work slowly climb up the walls of her stomach. She couldn’t believe her mother would want her to spend time with such a slimy individual, no matter how successful and rich he was.

  “Well, as alluring as that may be, I think I’ll waste my chance and pass,” she retorted, keeping her cool, even though she wanted to scream in his face. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to talk to my client. Good luck with the trial.”

  He gave another annoying chortle, and Alyssa decided to shut him out completely as she greeted her client and updated him on the trial.

  ***

  Due to a legal technicality related to some paperwork the opponent’s office failed to produce, the court was adjourned and Alyssa hoped Brian would get well in time for the following day’s trial. She didn’t want to see Julian again and, although she trusted herself to be a good attorney, she knew that her client didn’t stand a chance. She didn’t want to be there and see Julian’s smug grin when the judge announced his victory.

  She left the court as fast as she could, looking over her shoulder a couple of times to make sure he wasn’t following her. It was only when she was tucked safely in a taxi that she managed to relax.

  He phone rang just before she stepped through the revolving glass doors of her office building. She let out a sigh when she saw her mother’s name on the display; just what she needed.

  “How was your night?”

  Her mother went straight to the point, wasting no time on pleasantries; so typical of Judge O’Riordan. Alyssa chewed her bottom lip for a couple of seconds, bracing herself for her mother’s reaction to what she was just about to say.

  “Awful. I honestly don’t know what women see in him. I just couldn’t wait to call it a night.”

  The sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line was enough to tell Alyssa her mother wasn’t pleased by her reply; after a few seconds of silence, Alyssa wondered whether the call had been disconnected. That, or her mother had fainted at the news.

  “Your father and I didn’t click right away, you know. It took us a few months of dating to decide we wanted to spend our lives together. The first date can be awkward at times, I know that.”

  Alyssa gasped and plopped down into the leather armchair in the main reception area. Had she heard it right? Was her mother seriously suggesting she should go out with him again, give him another chance?

  “Mom, I don’t think there’ll be any more dates. I don’t need to know anything more about him; I don’t like him. Actually,” she took a deep breath, thinking about telling her about his behavior when they’d reached her house, but then decided against it. She still felt awful about it and a little responsible too, as if she’d somehow led him on by accepting his ride home. “I really can’t stand him, and the less I see of him the better.”

  “Now, Alyssa, that’s a little rash, don’t you think? He’s a very successful attorney; he’ll probably become an associate in his company within a few years. He would be a perfect husband.”

  Bile stung Alyssa’s throat upon hearing her mother’s words. Could she really be so deaf? Why couldn’t she listen to her daughter and be on her side for once? It was a lost cause, she should know by now, but the little girl inside her, the one who’d been denied a loving mom because she was just too busy to play with her children, still hoped that one of these days she would change. How naïve.

  Knowing that arguing with her would be useless, Alyssa did what she always did when she got in an argument with her mother: she backed away. It was the only way she knew that would make her mother happy and let her off the hook for a while.

  “Yeah, well, I’ll give it some thought,” she said trying to sound co
nvincing. “Listen, I have to go now. I have to speak to Mr. Jackson about the trial. I’ll talk to you later.”

  She stood from the armchair, straightened the jacket of her dark-green Armani suit, and walked into the elevator, praying to find lots of paperwork in her office to keep her mind busy.

  ***

  A week later Alyssa woke up after another troubled night, the usual headache showing its ugly face like it had every other day since she could remember. She reached for the tablets on her nightstand, and swallowed one with a long gulp of water; the doctor had told her the headache wasn’t caused by a physical condition, and that she should try to investigate what caused it in order to solve the problem that had been plaguing her for years. She’d purposely avoided telling him she knew exactly what the cause was but there was nothing she could do to make things better—unless she turned her back on her family, quit her job and started a new life. That wasn’t something quite likely to happen to Alyssa O’Riordan, though, so there was no point in trying to fight. She just had to make sure to keep stock of aspirin, and she’d be all right.

  She had a quick breakfast and got dressed for work; when she walked out of her building, she instinctively scanned her surroundings, as if she expected Julian to be waiting for her with his usual obnoxious smirk and holding an expensive bunch of flowers again, as he had three times in the last week. She released the breath she’d unconsciously been holding and walked toward the underground, thinking she was close to becoming paranoid.

  She’d barely reached her office door when Mr. Jackson popped his head in and asked Alyssa to visit a client in the Upper East Side. Their office was located around the corner from Times Square so it wouldn’t be a long ride and she didn’t mind leaving the office for a while. It was a nice late summer day and the temperature was still pleasant; some fresh air would help her keep her mind off Julian for a while, and she welcomed the distraction.

  While she was in the taxi she couldn’t help wondering what would be waiting for her on her desk when she went back. Ever since the awful date with Julian and their exchange in the Federal Court seven days ago, Alyssa had been showered with all sorts of gifts when she’d stepped out of her home or walked into her office, from giant bouquets of flowers and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates to front-row theater tickets, reaching the point where Will, the delivery guy, had almost become her best friend. Every single item had been returned to the sender without her even bothering signing the delivery bill.